Grief is a natural, but painful, part of life. It also can be incredibly complex and sometimes dredge up past wounds or unresolved feelings. When we lose someone close to us, our feelings can range from deep sorrow and sadness to anger, confusion, and sometimes even relief. Among these feelings, guilt is a common yet often unexpected visitor. Guilt while grieving can manifest in many ways and adds another layer of complexity to an already overwhelming experience.

Why do I feel guilty?

When grieving, feelings of guilt often arise because of our inherent desire to control the uncontrollable. The sudden loss of someone close to us leaves us searching for answers, and in this search, we often focus on what we could have done or should have done differently. Here are some of the reasons why guilt may surface during grief:

Regrets: You might feel guilt for things you did or did not do. You might be in the here and now, feeling as if you could have or should have done something differently.

Feeling relief: For those who have cared for a terminally ill loved one or had a complicated relationship with the deceased, feelings of relief after their passing can spark intense guilt.

Moving forward: As life moves forward, you might experience guilt for laughing, enjoying yourself, or finding happiness when your loved one is no longer here. There is often a sense of betrayal, as if by continuing to live your life, you are somehow dishonouring their memory.

Envy:  A common but often unwanted and confusing feeling you might experience are feelings of envy towards others who still have their loved ones with them. This can lead to intense feelings of guilt.

The ‘what ifs’: Grief can trigger countless “what if” questions. What if I had noticed the symptoms earlier? What if I had been there? What if I had called more often? These thoughts are fuelled by the belief that, somehow, you could have prevented the loss.

The Nature of Guilt in Grief

Guilt is a complex emotion because it blends personal responsibility with regret. However, in the context of grief, guilt is often misplaced. It stems from a desire to have had control over a situation that was never in your hands. When we lose someone, we confront the stark reality of life’s unpredictability, which can make us uncomfortable. As a result, our minds try to piece together a narrative where we could have done something different—anything to change the outcome.

But most of the time, guilt during grief is rooted in unrealistic expectations of ourselves. We expect to have been perfect, to have always said the right thing, or to have been constantly present. And most of the time, these expectations are unrealistic.

The Impact of Guilt on the Grieving Process

While grief is already a heavy burden, guilt can make it even more difficult to carry. The emotional weight of guilt can keep you from fully processing your loss and can lead to feeling "stuck" in the grieving process, unable to move forward or heal.

You might also feel like you cannot talk to others about your feelings of guilt because of fear of judgement or causing hurt to others, leaving us feeling misunderstood, or as if we are alone in our experience, leading to further isolation.

How can counselling help?

Unresolved guilt can turn into long-term emotional distress, making it difficult to find closure or peace after a loss.

Guilt is common in grief. Healing comes with time, reflection, and an openness to accepting its place in your grieving process. How you feel is valid, and talking to someone in a safe space gives you permission to feel the discomfort of your feelings and enables you to develop a better understanding of where they come from and why they are there. We can also work together to find tools that can help you when it feels too much.

Grief is not a process of perfection—it is a human response to the profound experience of loss. And in that response, there’s room for mistakes, regrets, and imperfect actions.
Counselling can help you navigate your grief and can help you find a way to allow yourself empathy and self-compassion. It is easy for us to look back in hindsight on how we coped and how we were at the time and see where we might have been able to do something differently. But at the time, you were coping the best you could in an already painful and turbulent circumstance.